Have You Seen My Woodstove?

October 20th, 2004 § Comments Off on Have You Seen My Woodstove? § permalink

I have available for sale a woodstove.

I know nothing about it. I don’t know how old it is, whether it is a good one or not. Pretty much the only thing I can tell you is the name: “Fawcett”.

No reasonable offer will be refused.

If you have questions, leave a comment and I will do my best to get an answer.

The Second Night

October 17th, 2004 § Comments Off on The Second Night § permalink

The first night in the house was uneventful. I was so tired from moving that I fell asleep immediately and woke up in the same position. The sheets weren’t even messed.

The second night was a different story.

I was reading a little of my book when I heard a scratching noise. It sounded to me like the neighbours were dragging something in their driveway so I chose to ignore it.

The noise persisted. I got out of bed and walked to the window to look at the neighbours but the noise was coming from the way I had come. It turns out the scratching noise was coming from the capped chimney pipe in my room. The scratching noise now sounded like claws scratching the inside of the metal pipe.

Ok, I have a critter in my chimney. This is new to me so I have no idea how to proceed.

I banged my fist against the cap and the noise quit for about 10 minutes. I suspect I scared the crap out of whatever was on the other side. Now I’ve got a critter and critter crap in my chimney.

The noise started up again. Banging on the pipe doesn’t work anymore. Hmmm.

I consider my options:

1. Take the cap off to get the critter out.


a) The noise would stop.


a) I would have an unknown critter loose in my bedroom at midnight while I was in my robe all alone in a new house.

b) A different noise would be likely to start: me screaming.

2. Call someone.


Can’t think of any.


a) Who would I call at midnight to report a critter in my chimney?

b) What would I say to the person I woke up at midnight to tell them there was a critter in my chimney?

3. Do nothing.


a) Easy

b) Other noise of me screaming won’t start.


a) Noise won’t stop.

b) Creepy noise will keep me awake.

I chose to do nothing. The creepy noise didn’t keep me awake all that long. I was soon drifting off to sleep when a new noise jolted me awake.

I need your help here. Close your eyes and try to imagine the following scene:

Two people and a small mountain lion. One person is holding the mountain lion up by it’s tail. The other person is trying to strangle the mountain lion.

Imagine the noise that would make.

That’s the noise that woke me up. Needless to say I was now a little on edge and only fell asleep again out of pure exhaustion from another day of moving.

It turns out that the suspended mountain lion was actually two neighbourhood cats playing/fighting/mating(???).


It is now almost three months after that night and I haven’t heard the critter in the chimney or the mountain lion since.

Lesson learned

Sometimes a problem can be fixed by ignoring it.

Time is elusive…

October 17th, 2004 § Comments Off on Time is elusive… § permalink

I would like to point out that these posts are not necessarily in chronological order.

Dirty Kermit

October 2nd, 2004 § Comments Off on Dirty Kermit § permalink

Yes, I said Dirty Kermit. No, it’s not Muppet porn.

The front hall and the upstairs hall in my house are carpeted. We have affectionately named the carpet Dirty Kermit.

Why Dirty Kermit?

Imagine if you were Kermit the Frog and you didn’t shower (or bath… I’m not sure if a frog would shower or a bath) for a couple of weeks. You would be the same colour as the carpet.

Now don’t misunderstand, the carpet isn’t dirty. The colour is dirty. Like a “dirty-blonde”. (I mean the hair colour, not that girl down the street. And I use the analogy of dirty-blonde to illustrate the descriptive context of “dirty”, not to say that someone would have a hair colour of Dirty Kermit or that the colour dirty-blonde is in any way like Dirty Kermit. I think I’m just digging myself into a hole. I’ll quit now and let you get back to reading this post.) The picture doesn’t do it justice. If you haven’t already seen it in person, feel free to come and meet Dirty Kermit.

What to do with Dirty Kermit?

It’ll stay for a little bit until I have the time to do some archaeology and find out what’s underneath, but when it does go I think we’re going to do something special.

I was thinking of cutting the carpet into small squares (about 6” x 6”), framing them, numbering them, and giving them out as Christmas gifts. Who wouldn’t want a collector’s edition of Dirty Kermit? Of course, a certificate of authenticity would accompany each one.

Another idea we’ve had is to make things out of Dirty Kermit and sell them on eBay. I wonder how much some one would pay for a one-of-a-kind Dirty Kermit hand bag, or maybe a skirt.

My brother-in-law suggested I drill a hole in Dirty Kermit and use it as a putting green. If it weren’t for the amount of damage this would entail it would probably be a good idea. Dirty Kermit is approximately the same texture as grass on a putting green… and it would complement the driving range (see previous post) very nicely.

For now I think Dirty Kermit and I will just enjoy each other’s company and see where the friendship takes us.

Indoor Driving Range

October 2nd, 2004 § Comments Off on Indoor Driving Range § permalink

Not much to say really. A picture says a thousand words, so here’s a couple thousand.

I call it: “Holes in One… Wall”

Note 1: The driving range is on the second floor of the addition. The addition is being torn down in the spring.

Note 2: This sport (?!?) requires that you swing with all your might. You want to ensure that you penetrate the wall; otherwise the ball will come back at you. We’ve all seen America’s Funniest Videos.

Where am I?

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